Saying goodbye to your therapist

One of the very first lessons we were taught in social work school was about termination. The gist is that termination begins the first time you meet with your client. That sounds strange, I realize, but the fact is, therapy is not meant to go on forever. The idea is to graduate at some point; that even if your problem isn’t fully resolved, you will have the tools to learn how to live with it.

In some spaces, termination is very clearcut. For instance, when I worked as a discharge planner in various medical settings, termination was the whole conversation: when are you going home, how, with whom, etc. In therapy though, termination can feel more nebulous.

For so many people, starting therapy is a huge step. The beginning doesn’t feel like an ideal time to address the end. The client is at their most vulnerable, perhaps their lowest or most anxious, and it seems unfair to start an initial session talking about how long it’s going to take for them to feel better. So, although it was drilled into my head all through my undergrad and graduate school learning, I don’t always bring up termination in the beginning.

Often that's not a problem. For some clients, termination comes along naturally. You start feeling better, you don't really have much to talk about, maybe you start seeing your therapist every other week or once a month and then eventually you say your goodbyes. It’s one of the nicest parts of my job, actually, to review with someone how hard they’ve worked and how much has changed for them. I’m often sorry to see people go while also feeling proud and happy for them.

For others, it's trickier. Any therapist can tell you stories of being ghosted. It’s not a great feeling but we get it. After a handful of sessions there isn’t necessarily a solid relationship to say goodbye to; for some people it’s easier to just not return a phone call or an email. We’ll eventually figure out that you’re not coming back.

If we’ve been seeing each other for awhile though, properly terminating is part of the work. Which is not to say it happens every time in a lovely, neat way. It doesn’t happen often, but once in awhile a long-term client just stops responding. Again, we get the hint… but that doesn’t make it feel any better.

This is not meant to scold or condescend but rather to point out that termination doesn’t have to be messy. It doesn’t even have to be a hard conversation! You can say you just need a break or you’re so busy right now. We all know what that means. And for most of us, the door is open if you change your mind.

Say your goodbyes, even if it’s hard. You did the hard work of walking in the proverbial or actual door and you get to decide when to walk out again. Just do your therapist a solid and let them know.

When does therapy end?

In my very first social work class in college, our professor taught us that termination begins during the first session. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone when the relationship between social worker and client ends; it should be an ongoing conversation from day one. Sounds reasonable, right? After all, the relationship–whether it’s traditional therapy or case management or some other social worker/client situation–is finite. There is a goal that both parties are trying to achieve together. It’s not going to go on forever.

In real life, I don’t necessarily start talking termination in the first session (with apologies to that favorite professor of mine!). I have my reasons. First, for a lot of my clients, starting therapy is a giant step that they’ve often taken only reluctantly. Before they even start they’re looking for a way out. Talking about termination when they’ve just screwed up the courage to begin therapy may be enough to tip them over the edge into quitting.

Also, endings are hard. Ending a relationship whose major purpose is to dig deep into some very personal, vulnerable, and sometimes scary stuff feels even harder. Some people choose not to terminate in the traditional way (including me! Full disclosure, I have absolutely terminated via voicemail. I just wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to talk about it so I took the easy way out). I’ve also had clients feel really anxious about terminating and instead prefer a slow fadeout: first a session every two weeks, then every month, then… See you later? 

In fact, that’s a way to make termination much less frightening: you can always come back. I’ll be here. And if you’re nervous about starting therapy, maybe knowing there’s a time to end it will help. It’s one session at a time. You can start–and stop–whenever you’re ready.