When your therapist makes a mistake

Therapists mess up. We are only human, and so sometimes we make mistakes. Unfortunately those mistakes can cause harm to our clients, a thing we try very hard to avoid. That being said, it does happen. I'll spare you a bunch of academic language about therapeutic rupture and repair. And I'll spare you the times that I've messed up as a therapist–that's for my own supervision. What I really want to explore is what to do when your therapist messes up in session. Therapists are entitled to have bad days or bad moments. The question is, when it happens to you, as the client, what can you do?

There are a few options here. First, you might choose to not return. If it’s someone you’ve only seen once or twice, for instance, and they’ve already made a misstep, you might just want to find someone else. In that case, consider that whatever mistake they’ve made as a gift; you know they’re not the right fit for you.

But if your therapist is one you’ve been seeing for a long time and you don’t want to leave, you can—and should—address the issue.

I know that’s easy for me to say, sitting here at my dining room table and not in the therapy room (virtual or in person). That space is sacred and heavy and sometimes fraught. A power dynamic exists. Therapists are trained to be aware of that dynamic and try to make it an equal partnership but it still exists. So it can be frightening say to your therapist, “I am upset with you. You said something that hurt me. I’m frustrated,” etc. It takes an enormous amount of vulnerability and a little bit of risk.

Let me assure you though, if you have a good therapist, they want to hear it. They don’t want you to silently resent them or just disappear and not return. It can be scary, sure, but ultimately it will make things better and allow you to do the work you came to do. Your therapist is going to mess up sometimes; give them the opportunity to apologize so you can both move on, together.

Why a home visit?

Mental health care looks a lot different these days then it did decades ago (though some things are frustratingly the same but that’s a post for a different day). For people my age and younger, it’s pretty acceptable to see a therapist, online or in real life. In fact, over the past two years, more people than ever have sought out mental healthcare. Not only that, they’re vocal about it. Which is wonderful! Mental wellness should be for everyone; there's no shame in caring for yourself that way.

But for the majority of my clients, who are from an older generation, therapy is still something to be whispered about, not shouted. Many of my clients have never spoken to a therapist before. As a result, they’re a little overwhelmed by sitting down with a stranger to spill their deep, dark secrets.

This is where the home visit really shines.

There is a natural power imbalance between a therapist and a client, no matter how we both may want to pretend we’re on equal ground. The client is in a vulnerable position, about to answer some really personal and difficult questions; the therapist holds a lot of power in that situation. But when I enter your home, I am first and foremost your guest. This evens the playing field immensely. In your private, comfortable space, I am a visitor and you get to make the rules.

For many of my clients, meeting at home helps them open up faster. There are literal objects to point at when they begin to feel stuck, for instance: a wedding photo or a trinket from a long ago vacation. There is the comfort of being in your own safe space as we begin the hard work of feeling better.

So while it may seem strange to some that I don’t have a physical office, others are relieved to hear that they don’t have to go anywhere; I’ll come to you in the place you feel most comfortable. The only expectation is that I’ll show up, we’ll sit down, and you get to talk. How easy is that?