The loneliness epidemic

I famously hate to be alone. In my adult life, I lived alone for six weeks before convincing an old friend to move from Texas to Baltimore to live with me in my one bedroom apartment. I will insist I need a break from my family, only to wander in to whatever room they’re in a half hour later because I was lonely. All this to say, I know of which I write.

As we get older, our lives tend to get smaller. Children grow up and move away; spouses get sick or die; same with friends. The prevailing issue I hear from my clients, especially those who are widowed, is that they’re simply lonely.

Loneliness, in fact, was cited by the US Surgeon General last year as one of the biggest issue to face older adults, especially post-pandemic. We were already fairly disconnected from each other before the spring of 2020. Those weeks and months before we could safely gather were devastating for most of us but particularly difficult for older people who lived alone or with little informal support. We’re still recovering from those months (years?) and some things have changed permanently. Some people have never recovered from being alone so much.

After all, it’s really hard to have a robust social life when you’re older: you’re retired, the kids are grown and flown, sometimes even the grandchildren have launched into the world. Some folks don’t drive anymore or only drive during the day when there’s no weather. Friends and family have their own health issues that prevent them from visiting. The list goes on.

However! It is not impossible to remedy some of the loneliness. What I mostly hear from people is that “no one calls, no one invites me,” but when we look a little deeper, my client hasn’t made any calls or extended any invitations. Or they got turned down once and gave up. It feels bad to be rejected, even kindly, but what feels worse is to wait around for people to read your mind and know that you want to hear from them.

So: pick up the phone. Send a text or an email or a card (getting actual mail is the best feeling!). The odds are, the person you’re reaching out to is also lonely and will be thrilled to hear from you. It takes a little vulnerability and risk, but you don’t have to be lonely if you don’t want to be. Give it a try.