Decision fatigue and grief

One of the perks of being married is that you don’t have to make all the decisions yourself. For most couples, the labor is divided, either out loud or by silent agreement and habit building over the years. It goes beyond who does the dishes and who mows the lawn. It’s also who knows what to do when an appliance needs to be serviced or replaced; who keeps track of the appointments and the birthdays and the finances; who does what in the household. 

When someone is widowed or divorced, they become the sole responsible party in their household. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard, “I don’t know where all the accounts are” or “I don’t know who the electrician is” from my bereaved clients. If you’ve built a life with someone else, chances are you’ve shared the responsibilities. Therefore, finding yourself alone, having to make all the decisions without someone else’s guidance or input, can feel exhausting.  

This is a kind of decision fatigue. Decision fatigue isn’t unique to grief but it is part of it. When the furnace breaks or you’ve forgotten to schedule an annual physical because the other person used to do that stuff, it’s a reminder of who is missing. The bereaved expect the bigger grief landmines: holidays and birthdays, for example. The other moments—the smaller ones, like “my husband always” or “my partner used to”—are less expected. In those moments, your loss may be more keenly felt. When they pile up, one after another, the idea of making yet another decision can feel absolutely paralyzing.

If you find that you’re struggling with decision making during your grief, you’re not alone. Decision fatigue is a normal part of the process but you don’t have to just live with it. This is your gentle reminder to ask for help when you feel overwhelmed. You can’t replace the person who did the things you don’t know how to do (or just don’t want to do); but at least you can tell someone else that you’re struggling and ask them to help you. You will not be stuck here forever; but while you are, let someone lead you out, at least a little.