Should you forgive or stay angry?

When I first started as a hospice social worker, I had this vision in my head of the deathbed. In this fantasy of mine, the soon-to-be bereaved are with the dying and everyone is saying whatever needs to be said. It was a very pretty picture. But it didn’t take too long in real life practice to see that vision vanish.

Don’t get me wrong, it does happen sometimes, that everyone says the Four Things: I love you, I’m sorry, I forgive you, thank you. I’ve facilitated those conversations, I’ve witnessed them, and they are truly beautiful. But more often than that, a lot goes unsaid and unresolved. Maybe it’s because everyone thinks there will be more time; or there’s a fear of upsetting each other; or it’s just too hard to start the conversation. Then the person dies and the bereaved are left with whatever went unsaid or unresolved or unforgiven.

Also, not everyone who dies is saintly, or unconditionally lovable. Difficult people die too. They have loved ones who are left with complicated feelings. They have loved ones who are angry or hurt and now there can’t be a resolution. Maybe there couldn’t be a resolution when the person was alive either but once they’re dead, there’s really no way. In that case, what do we do? Should we forgive or stay angry?

I’ll answer this question with one of my own (just call me Socrates): who is forgiveness for? Is it for the person who’s wronged you? They don’t always want your forgiveness, and when they’re dead they certainly don’t care anymore (I imagine; I guess I’ll find out for sure one day). If it’s not for them, can it be for you?

You’re allowed to hold on to your anger for as long as you want. Even if the person you’re angry at can’t fight with you about it anymore, you are allowed to keep being mad. But everything has its tipping point. One day your anger won’t serve you anymore. Then you can consider forgiveness, if not for someone else, then for yourself.