Parenting your adult children

My clients sometimes offer me this glimpse of the future: "your kids are little now, just wait." This is true; my children are still little enough that I’m a huge part of their day to day life and decision-making. Read: I have control over much of their lives. My clients’ kids are usually grown-ups. These grown-up children get to make their own decisions (and their own mistakes) without the very hands-on guidance of their parents. 

That’s how it’s supposed to be, right? Those of us who choose to raise children do so with the idea of launching them into the world as independent human beings. Once they’re launched though, they don’t stop being someone’s children. Parents of adult children generally don’t wish their kids good luck and stop being interested in their lives. When interest turns into interference, problems can arise.

Now listen: I’m not suggesting you can never again have an opinion about your adult child. I am, however, suggesting that the relationship between adult children and parents is different than the relationship with young kids or teens. Boundaries shift over time; not allowing those shifts to happen can lead to trouble.

So what is a parent of an adult child to do? Often a parent’s first instinct is to jump in and fix the problem. But if you’ve done your job and launched said kid into the world, you have to trust that they will figure out their own stuff. And if you really cannot stand idly by and not get involved, you can ask your kid what they need. This can look like, “I see you’re struggling; how can I help?” or “I want to help you but I want to make sure you want that from me.” The answer might be no but it might also be yes. We all need our parents sometimes, even when we’re grownups. But we also need to be given the grace and space to ask for help, rather than having it thrust upon us.

And if you really can’t keep your opinion to yourself, that’s what friends and therapists are for: vent away! Then you can maintain the healthy and happy relationship with your kids we all strive to have.

Therapists don't give advice

I love advice columns. I always have; even as a kid, they were my favorite part of any magazine. My Google tiles are mostly suggestions for Dear Amy and Dear Abby and Dear Prudence. I have a subscription to the Savage Love newsletter. I am addicted. I love that the problems are concise and (mostly) straight forward and that the answers are the same: here’s what to do!

But as a therapist, I don’t get to give advice. Don’t get me wrong, it’s sometimes tempting to just tell someone what to do. As your therapist, I have the benefit of objectivity; you may not know why you’re having such a hard time but it’s usually rather clear to me. I’m able to clarify and reflect back what you’ve told me so that you can decide how you want to move forward. It’s not advice but a different perspective.

This difference can be a tough distinction for clients to make. Often at the end of a session, my client asks, “so do you have any advice for me?” Of course the short answer is yes! I have very strong opinions about many things! As I said, the temptation to tell my clients what to do is sometimes very powerful. But advice is often best for the person giving it, not the one who receives it. Tempting as it may be, as right as I think I am, therapy is not like an advice column. The goal of therapy is to help my clients come to their own conclusions and make their own path.

You may not get advice in therapy but I think what you end up with is even better: trust in yourself to figure out how to change or move forward or let go. You know the answer; you just need someone to help you see it. Even Dear Abby agrees.